Im so broken. Whats wrong with me?

What is love? What is happiness?

I dont know anymore I lost them both.

I dont know if im happy or sad.

I know im numb and broken.

What am I supposed to do now?

How can I be happy?

What does happy mean?

You tell me to be happy.

Yet you and everyone else who cares leaves me.

That isnt fair for me. I cant do this much longer.

Suicide is comming back. I dont know whats making me hold on.

I dont have anything to hold on too.

Maybe the hopes that Ill get better?

Silly hope. Its been a year. I dont think Im getting better

Sorry Amy, Mom, Austin, Austins mom (our mom), Jamie, Kelsey, And so much more people.

Im not who you think I am. Im not going to get better Jamie, Im sorry.

I hope I die soon. I cant wait for it.

Im told "I hate you" almost everyday. I put up with it because im scared if I dont youll commite suicide. I take the verbal abuse people put on me because if I dont they might commite suicide. What is wrong with this world today. All it is, is depressing.

I wish people would atleast seem to appreciate the little things I try and do for them. Its hard on me. Especially when im told "I hate you" I seem to be taken advantage of. I hate it Yet I cant let anyone not take advantage of me. It seems so unfair to the person.

I feel like im not helping you,

I hope I am, but I dont feel like I am.

Im sorry.

Im sorry,

I cant help,

Im not a perfect example for this.

Im sorry

That im to messed up

I feel empty.

Empty and alone.

Where are you?

I miss you.

Are you lying to me,

Or telling the truth?

I cant tell.

Please be telling the truth,

I wouldnt be able to live

If you werent.

Ron Hi Kaylabug. I sent you a package. It should be there sometime this week. Open the gifts before the card OK. I really hope you like it. I put alot of thought into it. Talk to you later. Love ya.

Well I got his gift today. Its a necklace and a bracelet. I read the card he gave me after opening to gifts like he said to do. I cried because hes the father I never had. Hes the father I actually dont want. I want my daddy. The one who was supposed to raise me, Love me, Care for me. The one who didnt do that and did worst things ever. Instead I have him. I appreciate it I really do. I just wish I had my Daddy instead. Im wearing the necklace but the bracelet is way to big. I wish someone would realize how much pain im in from not having my daddy.

Wondering,

Where to cut,

If Daddy loves me,

If they know,

How he will feel if I do,

Thinking about,

Cutting,

Daddy,

My friends,

Jake,

Missing,

When I didnt cut,

Daddy's love,

Knowing they cared,

My love,

The Truth

My:

Smile - Is fake

Happiness - Is a lie

Heart - Is broken

Thoughts - Sometimes Suicidal, How my family hates me, all the pain in my life.

Reasons behind:

Tattoo - For pain

Dancing - To forget

Scars - From cutting, I wish someone would see that.

Cutting - The pain in my life. I cant take anymore

Pain - I have no clue.. Theres so much.

Unconditional love - Everyone is perfect. No matter what.

Caring - No one should be left uncared for.

Why I:

Love Jake - He makes me happy and loves me for me.

Try and help people - No one should be left alone. Everyone needs someone

Take shit from everyone - Because maybe if I dont that person wont get theyre anger/Sadness. out and then theyll go commite suicide.

Wrote this - So atleast something will know the truth.

I seem to have forgotten the meaning of friends.

I cant remember what its like the have some that care.

I wish someone would see the scars on my wrists and realize.

I wish someone would look in my eyes and see the pain im hidding.

I wish someone will see behind my smile.

The real reason for my tattoo was for pain. I want another one.

Just for pain. Its like cutting.

My body is aching for the needle to break skin.

My body is aching for the Razor blade to break my skin and make me bleed.

I want pills. Just because. Maybe they can take the numbness away.

Birthday:

My birthday sucked.

My bestfriend forgot about it.

I was treated like shit.

My friend said she would hang out with me. Since I was going to be all alone. She ditched me because she was apparently to "tired".

My own father forgot about my birthday. The only good thing about my birthday was I got to hang out with a old friend of mine. Next year I wont have a birthday. I hope Ill be either dead or everyone will forget about it.

Really Just PLEASE let me die soon.

Theres so much I wanna say.

I have no Idea how to put them in words.

I know one things for sure.

I miss you Jake.