I feel like a horrible daughter.. I forgot what my dad looks like.

I miss him so much. I wish I could see him. Last I heard he was depressed.

Everyday Im scared he will commit suicide, and that Ill never be able to say I love him.

Because no matter what he had done, I still love him.

Forgive and forget. Thats the way out.

Lately Ive been super happy. Jakes been the best.

After Alexa told him off hes been really good with me.

I have so many pictures of him. He has a lot of me too.

I think I might be ready to show him this blog.

I hope he doesnt get mad at whats on here.

I hate his Ex girlfriend so much.

On the other hand. Im really self conscious about my stomac..

Today I finally got the courage to show him it.

His reaction..

[1:28:25 PM] Jacob: i like your tummy :)

[1:35:29 PM] Jacob: why wouldnt i love you? theres no reason for you to be selfconcious around me, i love you (h) always will :) (h)

I hope im with him for a long time.

Alexa

you're really being a jerk face, like seriously pukey, do you mind if i call you pukey? well idc cuz i already do! LOL

LIKE seriously, WTF kayla is the best, and you posting all these pictures makes her sad (refering to your DP)

GROW UP. and realize your perfect match.

i swear you cheat on her, ill hurt you :@

thanks

Thats what my bestfriend sent to Jake.. Now hes upset. I love my bestfriend for saying this though.

I want to leave this town and never come back

I want to never talk to my mom ever again.

I miss it when she was nicer.

Her tone of voice is just to bitchy for me.

She complains about working like 12 shifts, Having to clean up after us, Having a dog and cat,

I feel like all she wants is to get rid of me.

I feel that she hates me. Its like she never cares about me.

Please take me away.

I was actully starting to think I was somewhat pretty.

Now I look in the mirror and all I see is a fat ugly girl.

I think ill stop eating again. I see no point in eating anymore.

Jake doesnt love me. I should accept the fact and move on.

Hes probably only lying to me. When he says what he says to me.

Is it time to cut yet?

I thought I was out of this depression.

I thought I could trust you not to cheat.

I thought you loved me.

Maybe you do, How would I know though?

Theres pictures of you with your arms wrapped around some other girl.

Is this just jealousy or is it real?

Am I feeling numb for nothing or is it for something?

Am I about to cut for nothing? No cutting for nothing.

Thats a silly thing to say. I love to cut. I miss it so much.

I dont want my friend thinking bad about himself.

But if he doesnt reply soon.. It will happen

Since Jake is so far away. We cant have actual dates. So tonight we were supposed to watch the same movie at the same time while texting each other. It was supposed to be at 12am my time.

Its 12:20am and he still hasnt texted me... Nice "date" this was :/

Jake stopped texting me like two three hours ago.. im REALLY worried.

I dont know what happend. Its putting me close to tears. I hate it.

What is family?

Is family supposed to bring you down?

Make you self conscious?

Is family supposed to make you cry?

Are they supposed to ignore you?

Do families take the one thing you love about yourself and make you hate it?

Because thats what my family does. Its all they ever seem to do.

I know they love me and everything. They just dont show it..

I feel like the worst girlfriend ever. Jakes in his basement alone crying during a thunderstorm. I cant do anything but cry myself and try and comfort him. I cant make his birthday better. Ive been trying all day. His birthday started off good. Now its going horrible. I feel so bad. He was looking forward to this day. Now he cant even enjoy it. Im so sorry baby I love you so much. Id do anything to be with you right now. Anything at all. I love you.

So like HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAKE!

I love you so much. Your 15 today.

August 4th is the best day of my life.

You were born. I know you were born a miracle.

Your my miracle I will hurt anyone who says your a worthless piece of shit.

I just love you so much. Even though we may fight quit a bit.

And Im REALLY scared to lose you. VERY clingy with you.

Plus when we dont talk i go absolutly crazy and text you like a lot.

I may be annoying with you.

But in the end its all because I love you.

I love you more then there are stars in the sky.

I love you more then you even think I do.

I love you more then the distance between the moon and the sun.

I hope you have a great birthday. If you dont Ill will feel really really bad that I cant be there for you. I will text you as much as I can. Maybe even more then that..

You mean the world to me. I hope you know that your all I talk about with my friends.. and on this blog. My poor friends they must get annoyed.

I can go on and on for this post. I must end it here because if not it will be like 123 pages long.

I love you. Have a happy birthday (:

My heart broke into pieces when I saw you online but on busy.

Last night I told you that I hated it when you were home.

I told you that my fear of loosing you gets ten times worst.

Because your always distracted and barely talking to me.

I know you love me. You know you love me back.

I miss you so much. Please talk to me :/

Second morning in a row I wake up feeling numb

I hate to say it but its kinda Jakes fault.

People say hes not worth being like this.

I say hes worth anything, pain, suffering, tears, anything.

Id go through anything if it meant ill still be with him.

I love him so fucking much.

He means everything and more to me.

I asked Jake if he knew when my birthday was.

Thinking he checked on of my profiles.

He didnt know it.

He said "But I have to know when the most important day of my life is"

So I told him.

I love you so fucking much Jakey

I love you.

I feel so lost when your sad.

When your crying I cry.

I tell you to be strong and not cry.

Yet I cant even do that.

I hope youll be okay.

Im sorry I cant seem to do anything.

You know I love you Jake

I dont know what to say.

Ive lost my words.

I cant seem to find them.

Where are they?

I think Judy actully cares about me.

Before I thought she didnt care about anyone besides herself.

Lately she has been acting like a real friend to me.

I like having a real friend. It feels nice.

Im super depressed right now..

I have my scissors that I use to cut right with me.

Im tracing the blade with my fingers.

Jake just used "If you love me you wont cut"

I do love him to death. What he said hurt though.

I want to cut because of it. My urge is just getting stronger.

If I could id throw the scissors across the room.

But then my mom would hear and ask what happend.

I really dont feel like telling her I was so depressed I couldnt even cut.

I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate everything about me.

I hope I die soon.

Jakes scar is huge compared to the others. I really hope I dont lose him..

It would hurt more.

Today I went to Rimouski. We bought Nick and Val some clothes.

My mom just went and gave them the clothes without me.

Theyre MY kids I babysit. Theyre MY kids I spend late nights with while theyre moms out.

I guess they were really happy with the clothes. I wish I couldve seen theyre faces.

I feel like theyll think I hate them now. I hope they know I love them.

I did spend a lot of my weekends with them. Even when I wasnt babysitting them.

I spend it with them. Theyre cool kids. I love them to death.

I hope they still love me ):