Tonight isnt my night at all..

Its the worst night of my life.

I found out I cant have dairy products..

Right after I eat ice cream. Period cramps and other cramps isnt a good mix.

I was on the floor in pain. I threw up. :/

Jakes crying because im crying. Hes been worrying about me all day..

I got soap in my eye. Ive discovered im full of bruises from god knows what.

The cut on my ancle isnt healing. I hope it does soon.. Im kinda worried about it.

Robert said he loved me. I miss Val. Im fighting Kelsey. Atleast it feels like a fight.

I fought with Levi.

Whats next? A fight with my brother?

Happy birthday Val. I hope you have a good day.

Ill buy you a birthday gift. I know your excited.

You already got a cute little pool for your birthday.

I hope your enjoying it. I barely see you anymore.

I remember when you were just one years old.

You always always wanted me to chase you around the house.

So I would. Then Id catch you and tickle you.

I remember you used to cry for me.

Now you dont even want me to babysit you anymore.

It breaks my heart.

I want you to know. Im alive for you.

Ill cut for you. Ill cry for you.

Ill laugh for you. Ill smile for you.

Ill suffer for you. Ill die for you.

Ill love you no matter what.

Ill always listen to you.

Ill always be there for you.

Ill do anything for you.

This is written for manly four people.

Can you guess what four?

I dont know what to do anymore.

Ive failed EVERYONE.

I really need help. I dont know where to go..

Jakes worried sick about me.

Hes been crying more then me.

Im sorry for failing you Alex, and Kelsey :/

Im not strong enough to help.

I cant do anything.

Im sorry to everyone.

Im tired of being the bubbly, happy, cheery, strong person people know.

Im not none of those. I think im just going to lay down and wait for my death.

I just found out one of my friends is in the hospital...

Its all my fault. I know it was suicide. I wasnt there for her.

If she wouldve died I dont know what Id do.

I feel so guilty I wasnt there. She couldve or is dead and I didnt do anything to stop her.

Its all my fault shes in the hospital. I know it...

I was texting Jake. He said people were putting him through bullshit.

I had asked what kind. He said he wasnt allowed to talk about it.

I dont even know what to think. Its not like anyone will know he told me this.

Why does it matter so much? Why did it hurt when he said that?

Why cant he just tell me? :/

Jakes birthdays in 9 days. I wish I could be with him on his birthday.

I cant though and I feel really bad for it. He doesnt know that my birthday is just 26 days after his.

I dont think ill tell him either. I hope we dont fight on his brithday or mine.

If we fight on my birthday I dont even think ill be able to tell him when my birthday is because of it.

So I really hope we dont fight

This is written about my sister. So im going to change this up and use her favorite color. Instead of my normal grey if it really bugs me and red if isnt.

My sister came out to me today. I never even noticed she wasnt straight.

I dont know how to take the news. I proud of her for coming out.

Its just shocking. I guess im still in shock.

She is a great person. Any girl will be lucky to have her.

Wow that felt weird saying.

I guess I gotta get used to it.

My sister came out to me. Since she noticed I was depressed.

She felt bad I wasnt going to her for anything.

Atleast I know im not truely alone in this town

I was told by my friend that I was the only thing keeping her alive.

Yet shes acting really mean to me.

I beg and beg for her to stay alive. I cant see her die, just the thought makes me cry.

She just told me she was trying to piss me off so I can hate her. So she can die.

Its not working. Its just hurting me. I know she wants to die bad.

Shes not alone though. I just found out she was raped.

I was never raped.. I think.. I dont know how it feels like.

I surely wish I was raped instead. She wouldnt have to suffer.

So she wouldnt want to die. I hope she knows shes not alone..

A lot of people were raped. I hope in a few years I can be locking up her rapist.

Is it bad to still think your being cheated on?

I think it is. Its not that I dont trust him.

Its more like im really scared to lose him.

I dont want to tell anyone this though..

I love Jake just I dont know.. :/

I need help

I feel so much more better now. Then what I was feeling.

Jake forgives me. Im so glad.

I am sad though that my friend wants to commite suicide..

I cant help her. I dont know how to.

She wont stop saying stuff like "No one cares about her"

and "You dont care about me" I was crying. It hurt.

I hope she stays alive

You left me alone. Right when I needed you the most.

You knew that I needed you. What happend?

I cant believe you did that. All because of your EX.

She pissed you off. So you decided to get pay back.

You two arent even dating anymore.

What about your sister? She loves you no matter what..

Shes always there for you. Why cant you be there for her.

Whos more important.. Your Ex girlfriend or your sister?

Im sorry, Im not the person you think I am.

Im not positive. Im a helper just like you.

Im sorry for taking away peoples wishes.

Im sorry Ill be fine on my own.

Im sorry for being jealous.

Im sorry for getting mad.

Im sorry for sitting here crying so very much.

Im sorry, I lie everyday.

Im sorry I cant be happy.

Last but not least, Im sorry for being born

ILoveYouAll, All the people in my life.

Im sorry I am the way I am,

I wish to change

Lately the only reason im alive is so I can help. Also because my attempt to over dose kinda failed. Thats a whole diffrent story. Im alive to be able to help my brother, Kelsey, Robert, And to encourage my friend Hyvan. Even when I did Ill haunt all four of you until you all feel better. Ill make sure good things happen. With only some bad things.

TO: heatherotic..

I send you here not for you to take pitty or anything like that.

I sent you here to say thank you for stopping me from crying.

When I read your answer.

I felt that someone actully cared for once.

Jake said I was self centered.. It hurt. But maybe hes right.

I hope he forgives me. Im sorry baby. I love you

I lost the one thing that means the most to me.

All because of jealousy.

I wish I could take everything back.

I dont want to lose him

It breaks my heart.

I cant stand not talking to him knowing hes mad at me.

I love him with all my heart.

I wish he would forgive me,

How can ONE person hurt someone so bad.

I was so happy. Then I saw that your probably cheating on me.

I thought you loved me. Im numb all over.

I just want to cut, take pills, get drunk, get high, and die.

I want cut until i see a bunch of blood.

I cant take this no more.

I WANT TO FUCKING DIE!

Im falling.

falling.

falling.

Into a black whole of depression all over again.

What am I supposed to do without my support?

I feel that ive lost him. I feel that ive failed Jake.

I keep leaving my brother. I certainly failed myself.

I thought I was out of this depression.

So close yet so far away.

How much longer can I hold on?

Not much longer. Soon ill be gone.

All I have to say is goodbye.

A friend of mine couldve died today.

If he didnt wear his helmet. He wouldve died.

His helmet cracked into two. Im so glad he decided to wear it.

I think I might stop this blogging my feelings thing.

Only two people know about it. Only one person for sure reads it.

Why cry out for help if no ones going to help you?

Lately Ive felt useless.

I dont think im helping anyone anymore.

Im trying really hard but its not working.

I cant cheer up my brother,

I cant help this kid I just met.

My bestfriend doesnt even tell me when somethings bothering him anymore.

Jake hasnt been telling me either. I have to ask why he was yelled at again.

It breaks my heart knowing im a failure at everything.

My brother is really depressed.

Theres no reason for his depression either.

I wish I could find a way to cheer him up.

Last night he actully said I love you sis.

Ive never been so happy in my life.

My brother isnt the kind of person to say stuff like that.

No matter who it is. im glad I met him.

I love you too bro.

I used to be REALLY shy infront of people.

But now I think im starting to not be shy.

I mean why should I be shy anyways?

The worst that could happen is nothing..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=niM6OEY8_6U

I was sent this needing a confidence bost. It surely did work. My friends are the best. I couldnt ask for better friends. I think im getting out of depression. I think. I hope I am. I want to prove myself im stronger then I think. I hope I do.

I dont know what to say. I hate you.

I hate how your always mad at me for nothing.

You think im perfectly happy.

Im not when you find out Im not okay.

You pass it off as me just being a teenager.

Its not that. Its you being a bitch to me.

I dont know how to ask you to go to Ontario.

I know youll be pissed when you find out its to meet a online friend.

So I dont want to ask. Alex cares more about me then what you do.

Its why she wants me to go and met her. So i can get out of this town.

I was thinking what it would be like without Jake.

Things would be horrible. I dont know what id do without him.

I hope I dont lose him. I hope hes not cheating.

I love him very much. I hurts to even think that he would leave me.

I love you Jake.

Today I realized. What is happiness?

No ones ever happy anymore.

No true love, No happy people.

What has the world come to?

Its a horrible place to live.

I wonder what it would be like in outer space.

Would there be true love? True happiness?

Your cheating on me arent you.

Two days no talk? Yeah im 100% sure you are cheating.

You say you love me and miss me and stuff.

I highly doubt that. Why does everyone I love hurt me?

I swear after you. No more love for me.

I love you too jake

I want out of this world. I really cant wait to die. I know im ready for it.

I love you all. I just cant stand living any longer. Everyone thinks im strong.

But Im really one of the weakest people youll meet. I just chose to hide it

I think I have to grow up and realize that there are worst things going on in the world. This depression is stupid. I dont even know why I am depressed. I always think its one thing then it goes to another. Theres pain every wheres now. All over. It starts from my heart then goes all over. I dont know what to do anymore.

My grandmother on my dads side called this morning.

My mom gave me death glares the whole phone conversation.

I miss my grandmother and dad so much. I want to go see them.

But I cant go. I really wish I could. My grandmothers voice is weak.

Soon it will be her time. I can tell. I want to see her before she goes.

I love her so much. I love my dad so much. Even though my dads done bad things.

Hes still my father and I love him

Im calling out for help. No one hears me. I dont know what to do anymore.

I miss Jake I need him right now. I hope hes missing me.

I forgot the joy of cutting until tonight.

I think im going to do it more often..

Im sorry jake I love you.

Im so bored. That I want to cut.

No ones trying to entertain me.

I think I might actually cut.

Thats pretty bad on how bored I am

Im sorry jake. I love you very much.

You say you miss me and that your always thinking of me.

You never even try and contact me.

You always have an excuse on why you dont talk to me that day.

You want me alive. I dont know how long I can stay alive.

With you always acting like this.

My friend is doing a better job at keeping me alive then what you are.

Your my boyfriend. Hes my friend.

Somethings wrong here isnt there?

I saw this boy today. Its the same boy who used to have trouble in math, and would always jig activity when I was the "hall monitor". He lost his mother last winter.

When I noticed it was him. Although he probably hates me. I just really wanted to give him a hug and say sorry for what he lost. He looks like he needs a friend ill be his friend.

Once again he was watching me. Is it a good thing? I have no clue, Hes still the silent boy I saw everyday.

I once read a book called Looking for Alaska, by John Green

Alaska kinda reminded me of me. Like me she was ready to die.

In the book it talks about the labyrinth.

As Alaska says "its not life or death, the labyrinth is suffering. Doing wrong and having wrong things happen to you. Thats the problem. Bolivar was talking about the pain, not about the living or dying. How do you get out of the labyrinth of suffering?"

Since its a novel I dont know if this is what labyrinth actually means, But I go by this.

Alaska's way to get out of her labyrinth of suffering is "straight and fast".

It really is how she got out. I think it will be how I get out too.

The main character says the way out is forgiveness. To get somewheres in life is to forgive and forget. If only we all could forgive and forget.

Would the world be a better place?

Its amazing

How one person can make you feel so small.

How two people can make you go numb

How three people can break your heart.

How four people can treat you like shit.

The list can go on and on.

The most amazing thing is,

It takes all the same people to cheer you up again.

How can ONE person keep TONS of people alive. Apparently its what I do. Everyone always says they would be suicidal without me or depressed without me. I dont know what I do. I guess I do it really well because so many people has told me theyre either no longer depressed, still holding on, or that theyve quit something like cutting or drugs because of me. I honestly dont get how I have that affect on so many people. I can count 8 people right now..

I still dont get how i can be so "amazing"

Jakes not talking to me right now.. I actully REALLY think theres another girl. Just the thought makes me want to cry. I thought he was diffrent... I guess he isnt. It hurts knowing that hes probably going to break my heart. After him NO more love for me. I dont care If I even fall inlove Im not telling anyone at all. It just hurts to much.

Im really broken now. I dont know how long I can keep it up..

Its nighttime im starting to feel depressed. I was outside with my "friend" but she got hungry. Now im my house feeling depressed. Scissors are next to me. Theyre the ones I use to cut too.. im so tempted to use them. Jake will be mad though... I think hes onlie but hes not replying to me. Of course nothing new there. I wish I could talk to someone right now. I Wanna puke. I ate to much today. In my mind I did anyways.

I forgot to add someone to my list of keeping me alive.

Shes more like a bestfriend. then keeping me alive. She listens to me a lot I appreciate it so much

I Love you Raquel! (:

Skype with my love:

[12:12:40 AM] Jacob: you have a purpose for everything

[12:12:46 AM] Kayla-Ann: for everything?

[12:13:13 AM] Jacob: for everything (h)

[12:13:18 AM] Jacob: everything good that is

[12:13:33 AM] Kayla-Ann: you have a better purpose for everything good

[12:13:52 AM] Jacob: nope :)

[12:14:17 AM] Kayla-Ann: yup your a miracle im a mistake

[12:14:40 AM] Jacob: well if youre a mistake youre the best god damn mistake to ever set foot on this planet, i love you (h)

Now I remember why I love him.

Ive given up. Everyone I love hurts me. Scars everywhere on my wrists, legs, stomach, on my heart. I cant take this anymore. Im broken beyond fixing. I hope you all are happy now.

I hate myself. I fucking hate hate hate myself. I cant wait to die. Ill die soon I hope.

This guy is being a jerk to me. Im being a bitch back. Now hes making it seem like its all my fault for why hes being a jerk. Yet hes the one that started being mean to me.

I really cant wait to die.

I was happy. Until now. Jakes ignoring me again.

Its killing me. I said I wished to die. Now he wont talk..

I fucked up. I love him so much. I wish he would support me more.

Tomorrow im babysitting an autistic kid. Im so scared something goes wrong. I think he will be good. Ill just have to wait and see. 30$ for a day. I dont want the money though. I just want him to be good. Since where he lives the kids over rules the guardians I have to bring him over here to my house. I hope everything goes well.

I need help before I break. Except no ones here to help me. Nothing can help me. No more happy thoughts either. Cant I just stay happy for one whole day?

I found out what my dad did.

Its not as bad as I thought.

Whats worst is that my sister wants him behind bars.

My mom pittys him.

I realized a new big fear. Turning out like my father.

I hope it doesnt happen. Sometimes I wonder if I already am. It makes me want to cry.

I just found out my dad did something bad.

Lately ive been finding out a lot of things he did.

Like when my parents were together he would always come home drunk.

One night he chased my mom with a steak knife. My mom made him cut himself.

I always knew my dad was bad. just not that bad.

I wish I knew what he recently did. My moms not going to tell me though. Of course she wont.

My dads a monster. I really hope I dont turn out like him.

Im heartbroken just thinking about it. Atleast i know where my temper comes from :|

You think im lazy. Im not though. Dont say I dont do anything because I do a lot.

You just never see it. Your to busy in your own life to noticed that im on depression.

Its all your fault. I wish you would just noticed me for once. I wish you would just see how much you hurt me.

Mom. I hate you for bringing me in this world why couldnt you just abort me.

I am the child you didnt want

I think your mad at me.

Your always leaving me.

Im sorry baby. I love you.

I cant sleep tonight until I know your not mad.

Ill only find out tomorrow if im lucky

Ive decided to dedicate a post to all the people who are keeping me alive.

I love you all to death and Im very sorry if I leave you.

Alexa Thank you for always being there for me, You live so far away but you mean a lot to me. You Are my bestfriend. I cant wait to meet you. Ill try and stay alive to become nuns with you. So we can beat the crap out of alex

Jamie When I first met you I didnt believe you were actully 19. I tell everyone your my brother. When we met I knew you were going to mean a lot to me. Now here you are keeping me alive everyday. SEVEN years until I can meet and talk to you in person. I really cant wait

Kelsey I dont know what your favorite color is, so im just using purple for your name. Everyday when I check your blog for a new post. I feel happy inside knowing that Im helping at least one person. Thank you for inspiring me to make my own blog.

Jake Last but not least my love. Im sorry for the way I think and act. but your always disapering on me. It hurts. I love you. Its been a while since I cut because of you. SEVEN years til we can be together.

I almost killed myself tonight.

You probably dont even care

My dog stopped me.

Youre not replying to me.

I love you too

My friend just played the "If you love me card".. It made me cry.

I love her to death. Shes the bestfriend I never had.

Now were fighting over if its better that I die or not.

I secretly hope It is

Today I starved myself until 7 pm.

I know I can last longer.

Its unbelievable. I think I almost fainted around 6:45. My vision went blurry.

Honestly. I could careless about fainting.

My boyfriend still hasnt texted me. I wonder why he isnt.

It makes me feel like hes cheating on me or something.

I miss him so much.

I have pills ready incase. I know for sure im ready to take them. Im just waiting to say goodbye to my love

Being home makes me depressed.

I dont have anywheres to go though.

No true friends.

Nothing here in this town.

I hate living here.

I cant wait to move.

Everyday I wish I was abused. Instead of the people who are. I feel like its my fault because im alive. Im reminded everyday that I was a mistake to be born. I dont want to be alive anymore. Im tired of living. I just wish I could die. I wish my boyfriend would text me. Maybe hes cheating on me. I dont blame him if he is..

Last night I cried myself to sleep. All because of I realized that ill never be good enough for my mom to be proud of me

Yesterday I had gotten my dance pictures back. Shes mad about my skirt not being perfect. No one had realized that it wasnt perfect. So now i dont think my moms going to show the pictures to anyone because of that one little thing.

I like to cut My boyfriend wants me to stop. Its hard to stop cutting especially when my boyfriend is miles away and everyday I wonder if he loves me like he says he does. Everyday I cry for him. Lately we havent really been talking It hurts me everyday. I always think hes with some better prettier girl. He says he would never leave or hurt me. I wonder if he knows everytime im not talking to him he hurts me. I know he has a life I just wish he would talk to me more often. He doesnt realize how much I need him in my life.

I starve Myself also. Just because I think im Fat He also wants me to stop that. I cant though I know he doesnt even like skinny girls. But im just scared when we finally meet in person.. That he will stop loving me. Im so SCARED to lose him to another girl. I really hope I dont

Why?

I was inspired to make a blog by a girl on here. I figured I should try it out. I need someone to listen. Since I dont have that. Ill just post on here from now on.. If I remember to..